We're ready

We met at church last night to practice with the harp for our upcoming performance this Sunday. What a spectacular instrument! I'd never really seen one close-up. The harpist showed us how it works with the foot pedals and how each string is color coded for clarification. As soon as she started playing the piece, it was apparent how magnificent it will sound with the arrangement we've been diligently practicing for weeks now. Weeks of practice for four minutes of music. We sounded really lovely, if I do say so myself. This is such a huge leap for me. I never even knew I could sing, let alone would have imagined I'd be standing up with 9 other souls to perform at church. I smiled all the way back home last night, as I embraced His latest plan for my creativity and my faith.

Poem lyrics of A Hymn To God The Father by John Donne.

Wilt thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt thou forgive that sin, through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

Wilt thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sin their door?
Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow'd in, a score?
When thou hast done, thou hast not done,
For I have more.

I have a sin of fear, that when I have spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by thyself, that at my death thy Son...
(we then seg into Were You There)

Really repenting?

If we are all honest, we know we have issues that fully separate us from doing what we know is right. We know this because after we do them, we hear that voice inside us reminding us that ... Um... Hello? I thought we weren't going to do that again? Penni has had some really interesting posts on her blog about staying in the light. It started me to thinking about things that I do which I seem to keep doing even though I know they separate me from the light, and why I can't seem to turn my back and not do them.

One issue in particular that I struggle with is keeping my mouth shut to others about negative experiences regarding a person or situation. I think the root of it is my need to have others agree with me that someone's actions or behaviors were not acceptable, when truly, my own act of sharing those negative things is just as unacceptable. Lately, it's been the issue of why I left my former church. Each time I fall into that behavior, I afterwards know I should have kept my mouth shut, and yet, I find myself continuing to repeat the diatribe again if the subject comes up in conversation. Sharing those thoughts does not serve to help anyone really. It casts a negative light on others, and must in some sad way be feeding my apparent need to justify feeling indignant. And, just maybe I can't keep my mouth shut because the very people I tend to share these things with are people I know will reinforce this to me? What would my response be if someone called me on the carpet and said, "You know, I can see why you would feel that way, but does anyone gain by your sharing that much information with me?" Ouch, the truth would hurt, and should. So, maybe I should repeat that exact phrase to myself each time I am tempted to go down that road, and learn to choose a different path. The light is really a better place to be. There, in the light, we can't hide...

Most merciful God,
we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone.
We have not loved you with our whole heart;
we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
We are truly sorry and we humbly repent.
For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ,
have mercy on us and forgive us;
that we may delight in your will,
and walk in your ways,
to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Loving MAC in a Windows world

When hubby decided we needed a new computer, he talked me into getting an iMac instead of a PC. We were tired of all the infiltration of viruses and fending off daily assaults on our computer, and the constant need to reboot when it would just freeze up for no good reason. Mac's are famous for being so stable and less likely to be inundated with worms and viruses, so we took the plunge. Initially, it was a learning curve, and anyone who has one will tell you that, however, once we got used to the operating system, it was nirvana. That is, until I began to realize that hardly anything supports OSX. All the fun sites I once enjoyed were sticking their tongues out at me as if to say, "Nanny, nanny boo boo, you can't play anymore!" I just don't get it. I know Windows owns the world, but this system is so far superior to any PC we've ever had, that I can't understand how it is still not an alternative platform that is fully supported worldwide.

Even here on Blogger, they barely support Safari, and so when I post, it's slow and the only options I get are to load photos and spellcheck, which doesn't work half the time. But, I've not had to reboot this computer since we've had it, AND Photoshop kicks butt on this iMac. I'll just be happy being the red headed stepchild, so to speak, as the daily stability is worth all the access in the world!!

"These I Lay Down"

This is my first Lent at a church other than the one I had attended for twelve years. One of the many things I love about this church is that they think outside the box and do things differently. Many of these things are adding so much to my worship life there. Prior to the Eucharist, we've been singing this anthem for the confession... it's a very beautiful and moving song. Wish I could somehow convey the music it is sung to...


"Before I take the body of my Lord,
Before I share his life in bread and wine,
I recognize the sorry things within.
These I lay down.

The words of hope I often failed to give,
The prayers of kindness buried by my pride,
The signs of care I argued out of sight:
These I lay down.

The narrowness of vision and of mind,
The need for other folk to serve my will,
And every word and silence meant to hurt:
These I lay down.

Of those around in whom I meet my Lord,
I ask their pardon and I grant them mine,
That every contradiction to Christ's peace,
Might be laid down.

Lord Jesus Christ, companion at this feast,
I empty now my heart and stretch my hands,
And ask to meet you here in bread and wine,
Which you lay down."

Newspaper hog

I have to admit it now. I can only because I have faced my demons, and defeated them. I used to be a bona fide newspaper hog. Yep, I had to have the entire paper in front of me, in section order, to read before I could share. Husband humored me for years and allowed me to pass him the sports section to peruse until I was done with section A. You are laughing, but I swear it made me nuts to read it out of order and to read it after someone had crimped it this way and that. On Sundays the joke was that I had the paper, and he read the "guts" (you know, the Parade, sales ads and such) until I was ready to hand over the main course. God love him for putting up with my craziness.

But then, something happened. Husband got a new job, and was getting up before me to shower and get ready for work. He was the one going out to get the paper and, gasp, he was already reading it when I got to the kitchen table and I got the cast offs of what he'd already read. Thing is, my head didn't implode, and it read just the same. Amazing. Suddenly, I was desensitized. I could even, oh my, read it out of order, and it was not the end of the world. Today, I actually skipped a section entirely. Boy, I've come a long way baby.

Explaining death

Sam has a very difficult time understanding the concept of death. As a matter of fact, when it enters his mind, all he can think about is being separated from us, and he dissolves into tears as he says, "I don't want to die!" I've tried to explain that although your body no longer works, that your soul lives on in happiness, but his mind with autism just does not work like that. To him, either you are here, or you are not. Last night, he was thinking back to seeing my grandfather at the funeral home. He said, "I don't want to close my eyes forever" as he demonstrated what my Papaw looked like in the casket. And, he'll even sometimes say to me, "Mom, you won't die, right?" I'll try to gently explain that we all must die sometime, but that hopefully it will be a long, long, long time from now. How do you explain things that are unknown to a mind that needs absolutes? I certainly can't tell him I won't die, for goodness sakes. Oh, the quandaries...

Maybe today I can show him the very lovely book my sister gave to me, The Next Place, by Warren Hanson. It is a very special book about going to that next place, and might help him to understand a bit better seeing the beautiful illustrations. I highly recommend it to anyone who is going through a difficult time with loss of a loved one. I've given several as gifts in memory of a lost loved one, and the author will even write a dedication and sign his book, which is so lovely. He seems to be a very kind, caring soul, Warren Hanson.

"The next place that I go will be as peaceful and familiar as a sleepy summer Sunday and a sweet untroubled mind. And yet it won’t be like any place I have ever been or seen… or even dreamed of in the place I leave behind. I won’t know where I’m going, and I won'’t know where I’ve been as I tumble through the always and look back toward the when.

I’ll glide beyond the rainbows, I’ll drift above the sky. I’ll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why. I won’t remember getting there Somehow I’ll just arrive. But I’ll know that I belong there and will feel much more alive than I have ever felt before. I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto that were holding on to me."

Being such a homebody

Whew, I am back from the wedding, which was so lovely, but I am worn slap out. I had to get all my laundry done when I got back this morning and go to the grocery store. I did not sleep well last night as I was not on my pillow top mattress with my Isotonic pillow (which obviously I FORGOT to pack... see post below), and there were several times I awakened to sirens screaming down the road. I do know one thing... I would not be a good world traveler. I am such a creature of habit, that seriously, three to four days away at the max, are fine, but then I long for my good old routine. I love being at home. Oh, and by the way, the new Premium Roast coffee at McDonald's is quite tasty... and comes in a very cool cup. Is it bedtime yet?

Absolute facts

The sky is blue, the grass is green, and once you hit your forties, you lose your mind. Seriously... those of you not there yet are snickering, but just you wait. Something happens... maybe it's that the universe knows you are no longer a risk to your very small children and so the protective memory you once had is just not necessary any longer. It happens slowly, but then there's no denying it. Initially, you'll come home from a shopping trip and you clearly forgot to get the main thing you were going out to purchase. Then it progresses to the point where when you have something on your mind, right that minute, before you even take another breath, you know you'd better write it down, or POOF! it's gone from your consciousness. I've gotten in the habit of even repeating the thing to myself over and over so I won't forget (before I write it down), and yet, it seems I always do. So, you embrace Post-It notes as your new best friend. You begin to surrender to the universe and rationalize that maybe you just don't need to "crowd your brain with nonessential stuff" so that you can become so much more evolved...ahem. Each time I try and tell myself that writing something down is silly, as of course, I'll remember that, I get slapped back into submission. There are many wonderful, lovely things I adore about my forties, but having to put an ad in the lost and found posts for my missing memory is not one of them. Um...I forgot what else I was going to say...

God winks

Sometimes things happen to let us know that we are instruments of his will. I call them God winks, a term borrowed from a book I read years ago on the subject. I met a lovely woman on Beliefnet, and we forged a friendship. At the same time, I had become close to a gentleman in my church, who was a recent widower. Then, God winked. I knew the two of them were supposed to meet. I remember when I called her to say, "Don't say anything, but I think there is someone I am supposed to introduce you to." I remember she sighed and told me that she had learned to be comfortable being alone and that she was always open to meeting new friends, but that a relationship just was not in the cards for her. I called him and told him that she said she'd like to meet for lunch or something. He asked me to see if he could email her to just introduce himself and chat. She agreed, and they began to correspond. A week later, they met, alone, for lunch. "Hmmmm," I thought, with a smile on my face and a grin towards God.

Fast forward a year. He took her to the same restaurant where they'd had lunch when they first met, and brought her another bouquet of flowers. He's a romantic one, that guy. He always knew that she was "the one" for him. He knew that destiny had brought her into his life, but he is a patient one. Then, one night she simply said, "Yes." Yes, I will spend the rest of my life with you. Yes, I am safe. Yes, I can trust. Yes, you are a true friend. Yes, I love you.

Tomorrow I will travel to see them look into each other's eyes and say, "Yes, I will." I have never, ever felt compelled to bring any two souls together before this, and I may never again, but I do know that God will be smiling broadly and winking. Thy will be done.

And the winner is...

As she slid her tootsies in the Lacey sandals, they said, "Ahhhhhh...what a wonderful summer it will indeed be." :c)

Simply the best shoes on the planet

Years ago, when I started working not in our outpatient wound center, but all over the hospital, I soon figured out that the old tennis shoes I wore would just not carry me through the day without very tired legs and feet. I talked to one of the ICU nurses, who had on this neat pair of clogs and was swearing that they fully supported her feet and legs to the point that they did not get tired at all. I wrote down the name of them, and visited the local Birkenstock store to find some. The day I put them on my feet, I was addicted. You can read all about the history and philosophy of the Dansko shoes at their web site. I visited there before I got my first pair of professional clogs and almost laughed at the very die hard testimonials, that is, until I experienced them for myself. Now, my feet feel lost without them. My first pair lasted me for four years. They are almost indestructible! I have a black leather pair for work, and a brown nubuck pair as well. With warmer weather on the way, I find that I am longing to also get some sandals and found this cute pair on their web site. This is one treat for the feet that I find fully worth the extra cost, and one addiction I shall embrace.

Pure joy

Main Entry: happy
Part of Speech: adjective 1
Definition: joyous
Synonyms: blessed, blissful, captivated, cheerful, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, flying high, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, merry, mirthful, overjoyed, peppy, perky, pleasant, pleased, satisfied, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled pink, upbeat

ALL OF THE ABOVE is how I felt today when I found out that a patient we've been following for ten, yes, count them... TEN months is leaving us tomorrow to go to a rehab facility. Missy (my nickname for her), who is 29 years old, was in a horrible car accident which left her a paraplegic last June and has gone literally to hell and back to survive. She more than nearly left us several times, and there were many days I would not have bet a shiny penny she'd live to see tomorrow. But, live she did, and a month ago, was able to have her trach pulled, and started rolling herself, albeit excruciatingly slowly, down the hall in a wheelchair. Because of insurance issues (isn't it always that?) we could find no placement for her, but knew that we had a window of opportunity that we could not let pass. She deserved to get out of our facility and go someplace focused on rehab. It's no myth that the longer you stay at an acute care facility, the better your chance to acquire more infections. The case manager worked tirelessly to get her disability approved, and finally was successful. The word came today... she is leaving tomorrow at 9AM. We will all hold our collective breath until the ambulance takes her away. I was there as the case manager told Missy and her parents that she'd been approved and would leave us tomorrow. Glee... that's the only word to describe the look on her face. She held out her hand to me, told me she appreciated everything I'd done for her, made me promise to write and come visit, and hugged my neck tightly. I almost cried with joy for we never thought this day would come. That is why I do what I do...

Same old arithmatic?

From yesterday's Forward Day by Day meditation...

Amos Wilder writes in his poem, “A Hard Death”: “Accept no mitigation, but be instructed at the null point. The zero breeds new algebras.”

Perhaps it is not until we experience the null, nothing, emptiness of ordinary life without the trimmings and frills, that room may be found for the Holy Spirit. How hard we work to be extraordinary in what we eat and drink, wear and accomplish, in our conquests and victories, when it is zero in the checkbook or soul that instructs us best. “New algebras” are a different way of computing our lives. Odd how we continue our addiction to the same old boring arithmetic as long as we possibly can.

When I read this passage, I thought about people who had just gone through Katrina. Many fled with nothing but the clothes on their backs, and returned to find their life, homes, and all their things gone. They had nothing and yet, many realized that they had everything. Amazing how we get caught up in the trappings of our lives. The material belongings seem part of who we are, and yet, when they are stripped away, and you are there and raw, exposed to the world, you can sometimes find your true soul. It's a good lesson to think about how much importance we place on the trimmings. We should all be open to the null point, for at any given moment, we too, can be facing new algebra.

I'll be with you always

Over the weekend, Sam and I went to my parent's house to check on my mom, who continues to amaze me in her recovery. He was in a rather reflective mood all day. We have days like this since we turned 13 and the hormones have been kicking in. After we'd been there a bit, he came into the room where I was talking with my parents, sounding and looking very teary. When I asked him what was wrong, he sat down beside me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'll be with you always, right? I don't want to ever leave you." I always try to keep these moments light and smiled as I said to him, "But Sam, won't you someday want to find a lovely girlfriend?" to which he said, "I don't want to be twitterpated like Bambi." It's amazing how his mind works to use scenes from video to express feelings. My heart both breaks and aches to see his worry about this.

We've had these conversations before, husband and myself. Some days we look at him and think that maybe some quirky gal will come along as he gets older, and it could work. Though I have no clue what he'll be, say, at age 20, I do know that he has a huge capacity to love. But the reality is that he will certainly need someone who understands all his limitations and loves him just the same. Then, other days, when he is watching Sesame Street and sneaking peeks at Teletubbies (which he declares, "is for babies") I can't find any hope that he'll ever be in an adult relationship or be independent. A group home situation maybe? When we have these conversations, my husband will say, "Well, worse case scenario, he stays with us. That's not so bad all things considered." But, then my mind wonders... is that really best for him or us? Can we truly foster the independence he'll need to develop to survive without us one day if he stays at home? And what about our lives? Already we are very limited about when and where we go, as we have to always take into consideration if he can handle it. I can't leave him at home by himself. Currently I have my parents who can have him over for us to go out to dinner or something, and I have a wonderful sitter who has known him since he was 4, but what about later? It's times like this that I'd like to have a crystal ball to gaze into. But, all we can do it take it one day at a time, and see where this road leads us. Thy will be done... thy will be done.

A great column today

I always really enjoy reading Leonard Pitts, Jr. in the editorial section of our Sunday paper, and today's article had me nodding my head and shouting AMEN as I read it. Intellectual constipation indeed.

Is it our light that we fear?

From the Forward Day by Day meditation yesterday (which by the way, I am thus far, reading faithfully for Lent along with the suggested scripture readings):

"Mark 4:35-41. Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?

When a great storm arises and the waves beat against the boat, the disciples, fearful of perishing, awaken Jesus. He rebukes and stills the storm. What is the faith they still do not have after all these days of being with Jesus? How might such a faith have quieted their fears in the midst of the storm? What kind of faith could have seen them through the storms and perhaps even calmed the wind? Is it possible Jesus had hoped for a faith at storm time that did not need him? Is he saying they could have done it themselves and need not have awakened him?

Mark's story may be about a faith available to us in our storms. Could our deepest fears be of a faith within us that can see us through even on our own? Kierkegaard writes of the terrifying possibility of being able. Consider those you call out to when your storms come. What do you gain by being saved by them rather than calling upon your own faith?

Marianne Williamson writes, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”

...The terrifying possibility of being able... wow... that just hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it. I had a conversation recently with someone who was pondering why there are so many people who just won't risk believing or embracing any sort of faith. To believe means taking a risk. It means not being solely dependent on ourselves, but rather looking to find steady ground on things we can't see or touch. For many people, being that vulnerable is just not an option. They go through their lives holding on tightly to the control they think they have, and yet, it is always tettering, isn't it? To surrender that sense of control is difficult, and yet, it is what makes us be at peace ultimately. How many people walk through each day feeling as if it's them against the world? How many people do you know who are in that boat with the disciples every day, and yet seem to have no one to reach out to, and always fear drowning?

What if we stopped expecting there would be no storms, and instead focused on the fact that storms are always moving and we can live through them in our faith and eventually see the light? It's what I use to reassure Sam everytime a storm is brewing, and he starts getting anxious about impending thunder and lightning. I tell him that storms are blowing in the wind and though they'll be here for a bit, the sun will always come back out. It's that reassurance that sustains us.

My Prayer Beads

Last year for Lent, I ordered a pretty set of Anglican prayer beads. I had heard about people using them to enhance their practice of intentional prayer, and thought it would be a nice thing to start for Lent and maintain afterwards. I had no idea how much their use would add to my faith life. It was one Lenten discipline which was easy to maintain in my daily life. There is just something about holding the beads in your hands and using an intentional prayer as you work around them. They are the last thing I grab here by the computer in the mornings before I am off to start my day. There are many different prayers which can be used, but this particular one spoke to my soul, and stays with me the entire day:





Praying the Fruits of the Spirit by Judith Snyder from the GiGi Beads website:

Cross: In the Name of God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.
Invitatory Bead: Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me.
Cruciform Beads: If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.

Week Beads
(After each bead sit in silence and ponder what God might want to say to you.)

Lord, this day teach me something about love and joy.
Lord, this day teach me something about peace and patience.
Lord, this day teach me something about being kind.
Lord, this day teach me something about being generous.
Lord, this day teach me something about being faithful.
Lord, this day teach me something about being gentle.
Lord this day teach me how to have self control.

Exit Cross: In the Name of God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen

After the Exit Cross, I say the Lord's Prayer. I am then ready to step out into the new day and embrace the Fruits of the Spirit.

I am Zoomed

( A very pretty bloom, also in my parent's yard)

Well, I got to Dr. B's office and first had the replacement of the temporary crown with it's permanent, and then was ready to transform my smile. The dental tech person started preparing everything and was relating to me her own experience with the Zoom whitening last year. "Oh, gosh, my teeth were sooooo sore, I had to keep my mouth shut for two days as even air hitting them hurt!" Um, and you're telling me this why? "But don't worry or anything," she said, "you might have none at all." Gulp...

She put the bite block in my mouth and proceeded to put some sort of caulk around my gums to protect them. Then, she applied some groovy yellow glasses to my face, and positioned the Zoom light in front of my mouth. There's nothing like being still for 15 minutes at a time, times FOUR. It's only then that you get strange urges to scratch places you can't reach, and your head starts to feel like it's embedded in the chair. But, I was able to get through it, and oh, but it was nirvana when she took that bite block out. The first thing I noticed is that I didn't feel anything! Yipee! She rinsed my teeth good and I felt no sensitivity. Praise God.

They are a good bit whiter and brighter, and I was pleased with the results. I fell further in love with my dentist when he said, "If you have to have that cup of coffee in the morning, which I know I would, just be sure and brush immediately after." Ahhh... no headaches today. Need to run brush my new whiter teeth...

All things blooming

My mom's pink hyacinth...

"The year's at the spring
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hill-side's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn:
God's in his heaven,
All's right with the world!"
- Robert Browning


Today is the day for my ZOOM! Whitening, so I am sitting here slowing indulging in a wonderful cuppa Malawi as I can't have any tomorrow to let the whitening set in... boo hooo. He's also replacing my temporary crown (hopefully for the last time) after the root canal two weeks ago. I am looking forward to a brighter smile after years of braces as a kid and the staining of age.

My mom gets the staples out of her hip today. I am sure the wonderful Dr. N will be more than pleased at her progress. I am so proud of her I could just burst. Pain is a strong motivator. The pain she was in prior to this surgery, that is. I only hope I've inherited half the resilience and strength she's demonstrated over these past two weeks.

For whatever reason, Sam came bounding down the steps this morning at 5:12AM with a hearty, "Good morning!" We just went ahead and got up for the day...ugh. I'm crawling back to the coffee pot...

Aha! It's a Magnolia soulangiana

From a garden web site:

"This small Tulip Magnolia is sometimes called a Tulip Tree. There is another tree that also carries that name causing some confusion. Magnolia soulangiana is a great small tree. And for the month that is in bloom it is extraordinary. The blooms are 4" across or more. The tree can get to 20' or more but is much more manageable if kept under 10-15'. The smell of the cut wood and leaves is intoxicating. The magnolias are in one of the more primitive flowering plant families."

Is it just me?

For some odd reason, lately I have been noticing how many of those who smoke will just simply fling their lit cigarette butts out their car windows. These are people who would never dream of say, throwing out a candy bar wrapper, but think nothing of discarding a cigarette butt in this manner. I have seen people in very expensive luxury cars do it along with the guy in the beat up construction truck. What gives? I've never smoked but for the life of me can't understand how someone can think that it's OK to do this.

I notice the same thing at work where there are designated smoking areas since it is a fully non-smoking facility. People are out on the sidewalk, sucking for all they are worth, often times in places which are not smoking areas, and then when they are done taking their quick last puff, they will just fling it down on the sidewalk and walk away. It sits there to smolder until it burns itself out or until someone comes along to step on it. Again, these are people who I know would never dream of throwing other trash down on the sidewalk. Each morning, the Sod Squad, in their little tractors, are sweeping up cigarette butts from the hospital entrances.

I wonder what they would say if someone asked them point blank why it's OK with them to pollute the environment like this? Do they care?

**Yes, there was a photo of cigarette butts on the ground with this post, but it looked so unappealing in between the photos of the tulip magnolia that I deleted it! :c)

Spring pink...

A few years ago, my dad planted this tulip tree, though he swears that's not exactly what it's correct name is. Anyone know? Anyway, this is only the second year it has bloomed, and it is just spectacular. The shades of pink range from cotton candy to fuchsia, and it looks like it's own carnival planted there in the yard across from their house. It's one of those trees that you could pitch a blanket under and just marvel as you lie there looking up into it's blossom-filled branches. Truly God's creation.

I went by yesterday to check on my mom, who has set some sort of record for recovery from hip replacement, as she's done so well, and took my camera to get some photos to share. Enjoy!

"Wilt Thou Forgive?" ... well, wilt thou????

You know how it's only until you try to create a beautiful garden space yourself, that you then have full respect and appreciation for those yards that are simply stunning? I mean, you see them differently because you then know what kind of work goes into it? Well, today I learned that the same thing is true with people who arrange, learn, and sing music.

Wilt Thou Forgive, followed by Were You There, is the arrangement the singing group at church is rehearsing for the April 2 service. It's a fully original arrangement by Chuck, the multi-talented person who asked me to join them. Then again, it's really more the title of how I felt today as the imposter singer there with them as I tried to follow along and keep the tune. Alrighty then... I felt like the proverbial duck out of water as I stood there, being their newfound soprano (no clue I was that) looking at six sheets of music which were divided into parts for soprano, alto, and baritone. This will be sung to music by the harp, so no drowning out mistakes... ahem. Thank goodness Chuck, in his infinite wisdom, prepared CD's for everyone to take home with the full score, and then also broken down into tracks with no soprano (alto, or baritone) and a track for rehearsal for each as well. Whew... I never knew that those wonderful songs and anthems we enjoy were so much work to learn and master. I was very intimidated (to put it mildly), but my fellow sopranos were very supportive and kind. After all, they've been rehearsing this for the past three weeks. Still, methinks that this is a wee bit more to bite off and chew than I anticipated, but I'll listen to the CD all this week and see if I can't get on the same page. At least today, I stuck my toe into the water, and fully went outside my comfort zone. As John Donne wrote, "I fear no more!!"

You GO Wy!!

Last night, I was channel surfing after seeing who got kicked off American Idol on Thursday (man, but I love my TiVo, and BTW, did not agree that Gedeon should have gone), and came across Wynonna Judd on Larry King Live. When I saw the topic of the show, the surfing stopped, and I rejoiced for her. God love her, she finally gets it. She has struggled, along with millions of others, myself included, in using food as her drug of choice. She has recently left an inpatient treatment center called Shades of Hope after six weeks, and has emerged happier and healthier than we've seen her in a long time. I've often said that I am no different than an alcoholic or someone who shops compulsively, I just chose food as my distraction from feelings. I wish for her true freedom from her addiction and a new life lived freely and authentically.

Just because we can, does not mean we should

I have been a nurse for going on 22 years now. I have seen much suffering and grief. Doing what I do for a living gives you such a different perspective on life. Life... for me, it simply boils down to quality vs. quantity. A beating heart and breathing lungs do not constitute life for me. When the entire Terri Schiavo debate was swirling around, most of us in the healthcare field had no problem at all with her husband wanting to let her go. Terri was not living, she was "existing" in my mind. If I can not open my eyes, see you, and engage in life, I am not "living." It's the age old debate. What constitutes "life" for someone who was previously able to be mobile and voice opinions and is now unaware?

I went into CSICU yesterday to see a patient who had been on the brink for weeks. All the nurses who were caring for him were so exasperated as everything they were doing was so futile. And trust me when I tell you, they were doing everything they possibly could. He was just too debilitated to ever recover from the severity of his many illnesses, and even if he did "live," that life would more than likely be vegetative. As I walked towards the bed, I saw it was empty. Finally... someone had the fortitude to gently guide the family in making the right decision to let him go. Just because we have the technology to keep people alive through so much, does not mean we should. But, it's hard for many physicians to give up and know when to say when. They keep trying and trying to sustain life when maybe we are only allaying the inevitable. When the odds are so very stacked against us, maybe it's time to embrace death for someone. I think that is every bit as sacred. Trust me when I tell you that based upon what I have witnessed over the years, there are many worse things than death.

Whatever your thoughts are on this issue, please do yourself and your family a favor by making sure you let your wishes be known in a Living Will and that you designate a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare. It makes it so much easier should you ever need someone to make these decisions for you.

Tiki cuts with Ms Jill

Yesterday afternoon, I took Sam for a much needed haircut. For many kids with autism, getting a haircut is not a great experience. I remember Sam's first haircut when he was almost three ... oy ... there he sat with a bowl of Skittles and me, nervous as all get out, trying to distract him for all I was worth. The minute she started trying to wet his hair and then hold it up to trim it, he became unglued. He was like a wet pig in my hands sliding off my lap. There was blonde hair all in our bowl of Skittles, he was sobbing, I was sobbing, and realizing that this was not going to be an activity to ever look forward to. I didn't know if it was the sensory issues with the spraying of water, or the combing/holding of his hair, or the sound the scissors make when they are cutting through the hair, but whatever it was, it was enough to make me want to let him look like a little girl for the next months. As he grew older, I realized it was a combination of the water and falling hair around him, and he became more able to deal with the trauma of it all... along with huge bribes for being good.

About the time he turned six, a new haircut place opened up near our home just for kids. I took him in for an appointment and explained to the nice lady named Jill that he had "sensory issues" (I was keeping the A word to myself during that time) and if she could just be as fast as she could and be very patient she'd be my new best friend. I am sure she thought I was nuts, but she seemed very comfortable with Sam, and he with her, from that first haircut over seven years ago. She had a TV set up with a VCR and Nintendo, so he was fully happy and distracted. EUREKA! From that moment on, Jill has been our haircut diva. We'd follow her anywhere, and have. She's moved twice, and we've remained loyal customers. When she called me to tell me she was moving once again (no more mud pit parking lot, yea!), and that the new place had a Tiki theme, I told her we'd call when a haircut was due and continue to support her. I always pay her a huge tip, because she's so special to us. Sam looks forward to seeing Ms Jill to trim his "duck tail" and playing Elmo's Underwater Adventure Nintendo when we go. She always has it close by for him with a huge, warm smile. God always sends us special people to make life easier, and Jill is one of many people whom I thank God for every day.

Being a hypersensitive human

In my opinion, the greatest human need is to be validated. We need to know that we matter, that someone is thinking of us, that we're not forgotten, and that we're worth the effort. In that vein is my Achilles' heel. It's a part of me that I don't particularly like, and one that if I am being honest, gives me the most consternation in relationships.

Before I began to heal my Disease To Please, all that mattered was that I met everyone else's needs. I worried constantly about hurting someone's feelings, having someone angry with me, or heaven forbid, disappointed in me. I was the consummate Go Along To Get Along Girl. I was so out of touch with who I was and what I thought, that it stunned me when I finally got to a place where it seemed to matter to me to ponder those questions and look for answers inside myself... and I had none. For most of my life, I filled my empty soul hole and soothed the voluntary relinquishing of my own external power with my friend, food.  It was my balm, my drug of choice, which always made me feel better. I had gone on diet after diet, but no diet in the world was going to heal my spirit. It was only when I faced it as the addictive behavior that it was, that I shed the protective insulation for good. It was never about the food. It never is. But, along with that, was a paradigm shift in what my expectations were for the world. I was no longer willing to be the one to put all the effort into everything. I was finally able to embrace that I was worthy enough to expect the same consideration I gave to others. I lost friends because the relationships were based upon my being the one to always make the effort to stay in touch, to keep the connection, and see that their needs were met. It was how I set all relationships up. This transformation truly redefined who I was as a person. I emerged healthier and happier.

That was six years ago, and yet, the vestiges of this issue remain with me today. I am very sensitive when I should not be. I read things into situations when I should not. I feel slighted way too easily, and I don't like that about myself. I find myself automatically withdrawing when I don't feel considered. The thing is that I know, deep down, most of the time, it's only my hypersensitive perception. It's probably made it harder for others to be my friend. I have expectations now that I never had before, and if I start feeling like I am not worth someone's effort, I am ready to let relationships and friendships slip away entirely rather than feel like the doormat once again. That's the downside to my life as a former people pleaser. But, at least if I am consciously aware of it, I can decide to change it. It won't be easy, but openly admitting it is the first step...

She's reunited with her Superman

I heard the news yesterday as I was in a patient's room waiting on turning assistance from the nurse tech. Dana Reeve had died from lung cancer. She was only 44. I am 44. Their son, Will, is only 13. My Sam is 13. It was only 18 months after her husband, Christopher Reeve, died following ten years that she cared for him as a quadriplegic. Lord, have mercy. How much calamity can befall one family?

It reminded me of a local family here. The dad is the head of a ministry that helps widows throughout the city. Their 16 year old son, an amateur photographer, was up in an abandoned building taking some snapshots of the city when the floor gave way underneath him leaving him a quadriplegic. Several months later, a bad storm caused a tree to fall on their home, crushing through two bedrooms and making it uninhabitable. Thankfully, they, nor their daughter was at home at the time. Then, while they were with their son several months later, who was then in intensive rehab in Atlanta, they received the word that their precious 18 year old daughter was tragically killed in a car accident when she was hit head on. Lord, have mercy. The community has rallied around them and rebuilt their home with wheelchair accessibility for their son, but they must be asking God to give them reasons.

We don't know why things happen the way they do. What we have to be reminded of is that not one day is a given. Each day really is a gift. If we can spend each day as if it were our last, how would that affect the choices we make?

O God, whose mercies cannot be numbered: Accept our
prayers on behalf of thy servant Dana, and grant her an
entrance into the land of light and joy, in the fellowship of
thy saints; through Jesus Christ thy Son our Lord, who liveth
and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, one God, now
and for ever. Amen.

Sorry for the extra step

Now that I've been doing this for two months, I finally have been bitten by the spam comment bug. :c( So, even though it's a pain, starting today, there will be word verification required for comments. (Sigh)... why can't people just play nicely?

Spring creeps in

It seems to happen almost every year. The cold winter stretches into January and February, and then there will be an unexpected milder spell of weather towards the end of February. Suddenly, it seems as if overnight you notice early blooms popping out of nowhere on the forsythia. Even daffodils start to peek their heads above ground. I always see them and think, "Oh my... not yet! It's way too early." I fear for them because I know there are freezing mornings yet to occur and it makes me sad to think that they were tricked by the early, somewhat milder, weather into starting their blooming cycle. Same goes for my Bradford pear trees. I see the buds just wanting to burst out and I again am sad as I know they will be tender and lovely, but are in for yet a few more very cold mornings, and won't be able to survive.

Yet, a week or so goes by, and still no freezing weather. Next thing you know, it's March, and within another week, the blooms are bursting forth everywhere. The tight buds on my pears are now all beautiful white blooms just like this one in my front yard. Daffodils are in full bloom here as well. Nature tries to hold it in, but it bursts forth just the same, and there seems to be some knowledge on the part of all things blooming that we are just not privy to. The air even has a different feel to it. It's as if there is joy floating around in the breeze. Promises of the end of the dormant life the winter dictates, and an embracing of new life, new beginnings. Within weeks, there will be new green leaves unfolding on the trees, and winter will be a distant memory. I love the feeling of spring. It's like a wonderfully revitalizing stretch after a good nap. We awake, rejuvenated and ready to face new challenges.

A prayer for Lent

Yesterday at church, we recited this Prayer for Lent by Frederick Buechner, which I thought was simply beautiful....


"O God in Christ, there is no ground anywhere that is not Holy ground, for in the cool of the evening You have walked upon it and in the heat of the day You have died upon it, and at the coming of dawn You have returned and are always and everywhere returning to it and to us who walk upon it too, this Holy ground, though heedless of it's holiness. O make us whole. Set us free.

You shaped us each in the darkness of a womb to give us life and You know us each by name, and not one is forgotten by You, everyone is precious in your sight - the ugly with the beautiful, the criminal with the child, the enemy with the friend.

Lord, give us eyes to see each other and ourselves more nearly as You see us, to see beneath each face we meet, and beneath even our own faces, Your face.

Help us to know that for each of us you have died as though that one were the only one. Amen."

Into the wilderness

The Gospel reading for today finds Jesus cast into the wilderness unexpectedly. The very word, wilderness, conjures up all sorts of images. I think of how it would feel being in a wild, barren land all alone, exposed to the elements, and feeling frightened out of my wits. I know that realistically, that would never happen to me, however, metaphorically, I have been there many times, and so have we all. Our lives are going along just fine, and then BAM, there we are, in a very lonely, isolated place of pain and confusion, not knowing which way to travel. The first order of business is to find a place to just sit and wail. The pain is intense and overcomes us. We are feeling incredulous that we could have been left to dwell alone in this place of vast expanse and never ending dryness. We are afraid and our fear keeps us from moving forward even one step. What if there is more pain ahead? What if we get further lost in the confusion. Maybe it would be better to just sit there and bemoan our circumstances and dwell upon WHY this happened to us in the first place. And, yet if we choose to stay there, we live in the pain and sadness forever.

God never promised life would be easy. What he did promise is that he would always be there, and never leave us. Even when we are feeling incredibly alone, we are embraced by his love and warmth. If we know that we are getting warmer and we are not alone, we can decide to take a step forward. Each step reveals a new view of perspective, and soon, we can see the sun and the path out of the dark wilderness. Isn't that what faith is? We can choose to live in the place of pain, or we can let ourselves be gently guided to a more peaceful place. What will we choose?

"When you have come to the edge of all that you know,
And are about to step off into the darkness,
FAITH is knowing that one of two things will happen;
You will find something solid on which to land,
Or, you will be taught to fly."

Why I love my new rector

Back in the fall, I walked away from my home church of 12 years... the place where I was both baptized and confirmed. That's fodder for another blog entry entirely. Anyway, the new place I landed back in October has been such a breath of fresh air. This photo was taken during Advent. It's a growing, healthy congregation. They started as a small mission and have only been around for going on 10 years. Plans are now underway for the beginning of a beautiful Master Plan to construct a sanctuary. The adult Christian formation classes are wonderful, and I've blogged about the program we've been doing for the past eight weeks, Just Neighbors.

Last Sunday, as we were wrapping up things, the rector asked that each of us think about preconceptions we had before the study began, and how those beliefs had been changed or altered. He also asked that each of us write something to be included each Sunday in the Prayers of the People, to remember those who struggle with poverty and to make the entire congregation more aware of the impact of poverty. We are not done with this project by a long shot. We will now decide how we, as a small congregation, can make a real difference.

Sadly, I told them, it was easy for me to come up with my biggest misconception. I used to always think that if people just made better choices in their lives, they could change their situations. The families we met on the video clips during these past eight weeks certainly taught me otherwise. As we shared our insights, it was our rector's turn, and he shared that his biggest misconception was that the eradication of poverty should be handled at the federal level. He encouraged all of us to take a tour of our local food bank/shelter and see the faces of the poor. But then, he also shared something else. He said that he recently became aware that, for him, the feeling of being there with a clergy collar on is very different from his being there in a flannel shirt. The collar almost acted as a buffer between him and seeing the reality of the people they serve there, and he wanted to personally explore why it's more difficult and painful when he's without his collar. In that moment, my respect for him grew so much. We all tend to put on our own "collars" when facing painful realities. They sort of keep us removed from the situation because to be able to really see it means you can't pretend you don't know any longer. What are we called to do?

A perfect end to a long week

Wine as art... when hubby brought this lovely bottle home a while ago, I could do nothing but smile at the beautiful work of art it is! We used to enjoy Beaujolais quite a bit back in the day, and Deboef makes some of the best. Considering also that this will be the first glass I've had in three months, this will be especially enjoyable.

My mom is still at the hospital as her very overly concerned internist is wanting to make sure that the drop in her hemoglobin is not related to anything other than the surgery, so hopefully, she'll be home tomorrow. I was back to work today and it was a very busy Friday, so here's a toast to my mom, and to the beautiful weekend ahead for everyone. Cheers!

Recovering

Thanks to everyone for the kind birthday wishes! Here is one of our first attempts at macro... a shot of a Gerbera daisy in the bouquet we took to my mom. I can see that this will be both fun and addictive.

Yesterday morning, before heading to the hospital, I swung by the office of the proficient Dr. B, dentist extraordinaire, as the upper crown he put on two weeks ago still had way too much sensitivity and pain. Long story short, I ended up buying myself a root canal for my birthday. Oh, happy day. He had to literally saw off the crown (he's ordering another at his expense) and then dig into four nerve roots. The tooth was very irritated and bled a good bit and had calcifications which had formed. The pain I feel when anything touches it is quite unpleasant today, and so here I sit with some Vicodin in me. The good doctor encouraged me to get the Rx he gave me filled and I am glad I did.

I stayed with my mom last night, and she is just doing so great that there is a small chance she may even be busted out of there later today if the very handsome and very talented Dr. N feels she's ready. If not today, then for sure tomorrow. Unbelievable... only three days after total joint replacement. My heart swelled with pride to see her walk down the hall every two hours and stand more upright and square than she's been in months since her right leg had actually become shorter with the loss of cartilage. She is just such a trooper and is absolutely the most motivated person I know. She felt badly that I was spending my birthday with her in the hospital, but I told her I couldn't think of a more fitting place than just being with, and enjoying the company of the very person who birthed me into this world. Being in the hospital, we didn't get much sleep at all, so I am sort of running on fumes, but it was so good to be able to be there and know that she's doing so well. Thanks again for all the prayers.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Wow... my husband is not one to surprise me... hardly ever. I told him I would do the Zoom whitening for my birthday present, and thought that was it. He pulled one over on me! In this creative vein I am now in, he noticed I had been snapping photos to put on my blog and decided to help me take it a step further. I opened his surprise gift to find this lovely book on Macro Photography along with a 60mm Macro lens for our camera! My jaw just dropped. I can't wait to dig into this and explore the world of macro photography.

I am off to the hospital to see about my mom and stay the night with her. She was up in a chair eating dinner last night and had no nausea and really very little pain. This is a walk in the park compared to the pain she was in before the surgery. Next thing you know, we'll have a foot race down the hallway.